Scatterlike Navigation

I attempted to write a story this evening. I had a fiction square, for every roll of the dice you got a character, a conflict, a weather condition, a setting and an object. I rolled 6, 2, 3, 6 and 3 so this gave me: a checkout operator, inability to make a commitment, sunny, racecourse, a lost cat. In true Baldrick style I wrote,

It was a sunny day when Trudy, a checkout operator and a woman unable to commit to her boyfriend, Ian, went to a racecourse to look for her lost cat, Zuzu. She found her. Rejoicement. The End.© This is only copyrighted because I am in talks with Bloomsbury presently.

I do, however, need to be challenged more and really ought to stop using the fiction squares from the Cbeebies magazine.

Onto more pressing details. I wonder what most people got for Christmas, other than the obligatory toiletries and socks. I wonder what the most sought after present, after anything with ‘i’ at the beginning, was? Can we establish that it wasn’t itoiletries, isocks, ipyjamas or iperfume? I think for many people it was a device for satellite navigation, well I am making sweeping-like assumptions for the sake of this blog, I do know that my brother in law received one and that’s good enough for me.

So anyway, I don’t blame anyone for getting a satnav, as far as I am concerned it is invaluable, I have a Tomtom™ and think that it is wonderful, ok wonderful is a strong adjective, useful perhaps. I can read a map well, well a treasure map, that I drew myself, but I just choose not to, why plan when Tomtom™ will take you the long way round, probably past the destination twice and round the roundabouts a few extra times, where would the fun be? I feel it makes it easier if you choose a soft lilt-like accent for your tomtom™ that way when they tell you to turn left, you feel they are gently guiding you rather than ordering you as the harsh tones of the woman, my parents affectionately call ‘bossy Betty’, seem to do and, as an aside, who I also think says ‘roundabout’ like one of the Beatles (I do appear to be alone in this supposition though). In Galway I found my satnav's Irish voice, Sean (nicknamed Sexy Sean, by myself and Isabel) far more accommodating and friendly than many of the gracious, welcoming (read hostile) locals we encountered. We found his voice a sweet comfort on unfamiliar roads, the fact he didn’t have any idea where the little cottage we were staying in was, was by the by -he failed to recognise the postcode (Oh, Sean) He also lost signal a few times on bleak country roads, but that wasn’t his fault.

I have been a bit bad in the past, when it came to driving I used to get flustered and forget my left from my right. My driving instructor once took me to a housing estate, to practise driving him round the bend, and asked me at one point to turn right and park up. I turned left and parked up (perfectly, I hasten to add). We sat there, he marked something on his clipboard, (probably finished the doodle of a topless woman or whatever he had just fashioned on his paper). He turned to me and congratulated me on my exceptional turning skills (exaggeration added) and then said, nicely, “however [dramatic pause] I did ask you to turn right”. Dang it! It was going to be essential that I figure that one out. (I have now, so you know)

A year, or three, into having passed my test my parents visited me in Wimbledon, near where I lived at the time, and they wanted to get to a supermarket and, luckily for them they had me to act as their satnav (this was before tomtom's time). This was fine, except I hadn’t quite smoothed out the problem with lefty and righty. I didn’t actually drive round that area, so was only familiar with bus routes… and proceeded to drive my parents round the bus route, calling out at one point “left...nooo, the other left!”. Surprisingly my Dad, after gauging a rough idea of where to go, took over navigational duties.

So if they’d wanted Scatterlike navigation™ then I would have been perfect. I often feel my satnav has the same problem, every so often he malfunctions, usually on the motorway, and usually when I have a slight inkling of where I am going, thankfully. He often blurts out random things that could cause a few interesting accidents, not to mention hilarious insurance claims. Thankfully Sean and I have a relationship whereby he wilfully bosses me about and I wilfully ignore him. It is at these times that I laugh that the Spanish word for stupid is ‘tonto’ and said in Spanish sounds hauntingly like ‘Tomtom™’ satellite navigation naming committees were onto something when they came up with that gem. Should have gone with isatnav.

So my charming satnav has got me a few places, got me lost a few times and tempted me to turn left into a hedge by saying ‘turn’ left when he meant ‘bear’ left. He’s not perfect but then neither am I. I can get lost just fine on my own, thank you very much. I once drove up and down a road looking for a house that I missed because the gate with the house name on was open, thus hiding the front name plaque (that one had me crying with sheer frustration). Once an AA guide, printed off their site, had me turn the wrong way on the M40, resulting in me battling with London traffic and pointing politely to get a lorry driver to let me in his lane. That was fun for the first day in a new car driving to visit my sister, Lynsey.

But I couldn’t get through life without guidance, I am not completely tonto without it but we all need guidance. I had great guidance that has altered my life, namely my parental guidance. I almost gave up my degree and walked away because a jealous girl was making my life difficult, shall we say, but my Dad, who quit officer training 3 weeks before qualifying and regretted it, cautioned me to learn from his experience. So I did and now have a BA (Hons).

Anyone who is not religious may want to look away now… but in my experience I have the ultimate satellite navigator in the sky, God. He guides me in everything, through all my life I have felt that guidance and I continue to seek his voice, he, like Sean™, has a soft lilt, he does often has to repeat himself and I often wilfully ignore him and sometimes think I know the way better. He doesn’t chastise me for taking the wrong turn, just gently tells me how to get back on the right road. He knows the destination and how long it will take for me to get there, teaches me patience when I try and get there too quickly (thankfully not by a loud beep emitting out) and I can press the ‘help’ button at any time.

I particularly like the John Cleese voice on Tomtom™, at the end he blows his own trumpet and congratulates himself on having got you to your destination (it is your job, John) but is quick to point out that he won’t take your luggage in for you, well what did we expect for £99.99?